I GOT a phone call from President Biden. That is, you first get a switchboard lady on the phone. She says the president wants to talk to you, and would you please wait a moment. I said no. I’m trying to become president myself, I’m campaigning hard, and I don’t have time to wait. Yes but, she said. Yes, but he has a foreign head of state on the other line right now.
Ah.
By the way, what is that anyway, a head of state? Made of what, clay, bronze, slate? Does one have three ears then? A mouth full of wisdom teeths? A neck? When and how does a person develop a head of state? You are not born with one, or else we would see heads of state lifted from a cradle more often. Some kings have a bald head of state – King Charles is well on his way.
Just as I was about to hang up, the woman said, “Um, Mr. VanderBus, here’s the president.” Me: “Joe?” He: “Bus!” And then it was just as well that I had waited just long enough.
That’s because Joe Biden promptly answered what a head of state looks like. No orange-dyed hair. No stiletto heels. No tanning bed skin. What it does call for is certain abnormalities. Like speaking with a meow accent, walking on four paws, or having only one eye.
He stated, “Bus, you are the only real candidate with a head of state this year. Come to the White House the night after the election, and I will appoint you head of government no matter what. Regardless of how the results turn out, you have until January to run the country as you see fit.”
Me: “Joe, no malarkey?”
Joe: “True story, I’m not kidding.”
Fasten your seat belts, everybody.
* VanderBus left home at the age of six weeks and went hunting for a city bus in Maine. He caught the bus. It cost him one eye, but he won a standing ovation from everyone who watched him do it. VanderBus, since then mayor of Bicker Hollow, is running for president of the United States.
