At home they call me VanderBus because two years ago, as a six-weeks-old boy, I attacked a Bangor, Maine city bus, and I won. I lost an eye, but the bus driver lost his pride and self-respect. I prefer to pronounce my name more like VanderBoss.
I am running for president of the United States, because, 1: I’m not a hundred years old like my opponents, 2: I have plans, and, 3: I am orange. Make America orange again!
Imagine a world with free kibble for everyone. Where your tax purrcentage is decided by how well you treat your pets. And where we outlaw China until they quit eating dog meat. That’s my plans.
Do not underestimate us. The Dutch brought us to America from Holland on their earliest emigrant ships, as mice catchers. Henry Hudson carried some, as did Adriaen Block, early 1600s. There are now 96 million of us here, and those are the domesticated ones. There’s an additional 73 million feral cats roaming around, my favorite brothers and sisters. Hear them roar. Ever heard of their ancestors, the New York Dutch cats? They’re real, and they are spectacular.
Plus they don’t take hostages. Vote VanderBus for president. Or else.
