by father Ron Geilen*
THERE IS a lot you can say about fellowship or friendship if you like. What we know for sure is that before friendship occurs there is some kind of initial contact. This doesn’t mean that every human contact eventually leads to friendship. The contact may remain superficial. You can also be a part of an association or group in which you share a mutual interest but you do not necessarily have to be each other’s best friend. But these contacts are still precious on the human level. Social interactions are an important, if not primary, necessity of life.
People are social beings and need contact with others. Social contacts are an important source of people’s well-being. Because our society has more and more rapid and superficial contacts, there is a risk of loneliness. How does friendship then fit into this whole picture? What is the core of friendship? Is it an illusion, as Charity once sang?
Or is friendship the number of ‘virtual friends’ you have on Facebook or followers on Instagram? Or are friends maybe people that stick with you through thick and thin? Those that remain faithful to you, even when the going gets tough? Due to the rise of social media, the concept of friendship may seem to have changed and maybe even eroded. What’s called a friend on Facebook or other social media, seems like a pale imitation of what a friend used to be.
FRIENDSHIP HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIRTUAL
BUT WE can approach this theme from a different angle. Like this one: social media does not show a watered-down version of friendship but exposes its true nature, namely that friendship at the core has always been virtual. In other words, friendship is primarily a kindred spirit, in which physical proximity plays no role. The philosopher Montaigne even says that being spatially separated makes the inner connection richer, or as we say these days: makes the heart grow fonder.
Moreover, friendship with others is also friendship with yourself. Though the question remains whether that is always the case. We may look at ourselves far too critically, which in turn affects our relationships with others. We can learn a lot from the philosophers when it comes to friendship.
It is also important to critically examine our friendships. This can prevent disappointment when a friendship ends under certain circumstances. Making friends has never seemed easier than in the age of Facebook. You browse through the profiles and click on ‘add as friend’. Within an evening you have gathered an impressive network. But the question remains whether you have made “real friends”. Maintaining friendships takes a little more effort than leaving an occasional scribble in the comments on a post or leaving a private message on somebody’s messenger. The reality of friendship is much more difficult than the virtual networks suggest.
We are not even talking about the dangers of making contact via the Internet. Maybe a ‘virtual friendship’ is possible. Or perhaps it is more attractive for people to believe in the illusion of these ‘friendships’. The reality can be much more hurtful, namely that you do not have as many real friends as you thought. True friendship is not that simple at all. It is not without reason that there is such a long tradition of thinking about friendship. The advice to learn from philosophers is perhaps not that far-stretched. They can teach us quite a lot.
The Greek philosopher Aristotle shows that you do not always have to be close to someone to call them a friend. Of course, Aristotle knew nothing about all our modern technologies. Yet his definition of friendship can certainly apply to our “virtual friendships”. This means that under certain conditions our virtual friends can also fall under the friendship category.
FRIENDS SHOULD BE CRITICAL
THERE IS of course a big difference between “digital friendship” and the best friend with whom you can share everything. Real friends should also be critical. Yet Aristotle shows that other forms of friendship can still be real. According to him, the basis for friendship is reciprocal goodwill in which you wish each other the best. Yet he reserves a special place for friendship that goes beyond that. A higher form of friendship that mainly concerns the moral qualities of the friend. Virtues such as kindness, sincerity, and justice play a role in this.
The philosopher Nietzsche sets the bar for friendship even higher. He makes real friendship so exclusive and rare that it can hardly exist anymore. Yet the high ideal of friendship can be an important touchstone. Namely by critically interrogating your relationships. You may have many relationships, but are they real friends? To what extent do those relationships include the true, highest form of friendship?
We also find another sensible idea about friendship in Nietzsche. And that has to do with his belief that you should dare to question yourself. We all know that this is not easy at all! After all, no one likes to face their weaknesses and mistakes, Yet, we have to face them and perhaps learn from them. A true friend can help with this: they must be critically involved. They must provide support in difficult times but also dare to confront. Such a friendship is ultimately of more value than friendships that are just about having fun. In that view, friendship is not an extension of yourself.
That’s okay because we might just be friends with people that differ from ourselves. And that is perhaps where friendship differs from a love relationship. In love, there is a desire for unity. An essential characteristic of friendship is twoness and otherness. Friendship consists of wanting to give and being able to receive. Being able to confirm that the other person cares about you in his or her way, and not your way. That makes friendship difficult. Learning to give is ultimately quite easy. Learning to receive is much more difficult.
I hope you can take something away from this reflection in your encounters with other people.
* Ron Geilen from Geleen, the Netherlands is vicar/priest at All Saints & Sinners Anglican Mission in St. Charles, Missouri and at St. Mary & St. Ann Ministries in Fulton.
