I AM addicted. It’s the Temptations cat treats. I will break into the kitchen cabinet if I have to, where they’re hiding them. So irresistibly good. Cat crack.
Okay, I said it out loud. What other presidential candidate openly admits to an addiction? Richard Nixon was hooked on booze. Kennedy was addicted to his meds, and Warren Harding to the woman next door. President Grant had a nicotine addiction, Lincoln couldn’t function without his blue pills against constipation, Franklin Pierce and Andrew Johnson looked cross-eyed from alcohol. George Washington used opium. For a toothache, he said.
But that all became news after the fact. I am telling you before I am elected. So that every junkie knows that their president will go on the counterattack. Not against the addicts, but against those who make others addicted. Not against the weed stores, but against those who smuggle fentanyl into the country.
Addiction typically begins as a choice, but turns into a disease. History shows that it can affect folks of every walk of life, including the walk that ends up inside the White House. Make that: White Mouse. Because there is no doubt that I, your cat candidate, your catdidate, will be elected in November.
* VanderBus left home at the age of six weeks and went hunting for a city bus in Maine. He caught the bus. It cost him one eye, but he won a standing ovation from everyone who watched him do it. VanderBus, since then mayor of Bicker Hollow, is running for president of the United States.
