WHEN I become president of the United States this November, I will rule the most modern country in the history of the entire world. Hot dogs are made from plants. Not the teacher grades your kid’s papers, but an AI-powered computer. Pizza is delivered by drone. Grandpa is handed his pills in the nursing home by a robot with a cat’s face. And delivery trucks zoom across the country without a driver behind the wheel.
In such a country, you no longer need old men in the White Mouse on Pawsylvania Avenue. In VanderBus’s America, a modern, young cat is more useful. We smell danger 40 times faster than a human. We jump five times our own height. We can climb. We hear better. And we react faster, much faster. When Putin farts, we hear it before it leaves his asshole.
Presidents have not had a mustache for a century. With me, an old tradition is restored. I will be the first president to have hair everywhere, on my head, on my chest, on my butt. And a tail, mister, to boot. I will wipe the floor with that, including my opponents.
* VanderBus left home at the age of six weeks and went hunting for a city bus in Maine. He caught the bus. It cost him one eye, but he won a standing ovation from everyone who watched him do it. VanderBus, since then mayor of Bicker Hollow, is running for president of the United States.
